Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
