I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
