Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize