we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
