you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
