we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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