I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
