i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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