I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
