God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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