So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
