I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
