So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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