I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
