Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize