The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
