one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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