Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want to fling myself into the sun
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
