I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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