She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
