my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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