i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
