dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
