Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize