My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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