Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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