Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
