I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
