I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
