Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
