we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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