Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
