I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
