ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
