I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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