I wish you could order shots online.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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