There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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