I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
