and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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