Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
