I wanna bring you to show and tell
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
