apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How does one acquire holy water?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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