UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize