The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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