The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
