I'm eating all of the evidence.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
