oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Fuck appropriateness.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
