I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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