It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
