I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
