i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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