Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
