meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
