My nipple is on Facebook.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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