she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
