having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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