is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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