My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
