so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
