i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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