i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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