Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
