Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
