Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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