i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
