I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
