my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
