he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
