Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
