I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
