I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
