I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
