I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
