Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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