Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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