still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
