Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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